Happy New Year 2010......

Well another year has gone by, and what a year it was....I hope that 2010 will be a year that I can remember fondly because 2009 is a year I want to just forget..LOL.

2010 will be a good year according to my friend Joyce..her logic? It is 2 (0) for my birth month and 10 is for the day so according to Joyce it has to be "My Year" and I am going to go with that.

I want to experience new things in 2010. I am in the process of making a list as to what I want to accomplish (The list will be a whole other blog.lol) I want to think long and hard about this list because it has to be things I really want to do but it also has to be things that I can Honestly do.

Life surprises you when you least expect it to and I am sure that 2010 will surprise me in many many ways. So, I am looking forward to a New Year or I should say "My Year"...!!

I wish nothing but Joy and Happiness for all of my Family and Friends. I hope this year is everything you want it to be and More...as I have said many times before :

"The Angels will always guide you to where you should be"

My Angels....Tis the season...

Why do I love Angels so much? Here is one of the reasons..( and there are many)

As everyone knows I got Pregnant at 21 years old "With Out" a husband and 28 years ago that was "Not Good" not unheard of but "Not Good" Once I told my parents I just went along with what ever they said in order to make up for what I had done. For me I was a Good Girl, I never gave my parents one day of grief, not one. I did what I was told, I kept my grades, etc. So when this happened it was more of a Shock to everyone (Including me) So I did what ever they said. So they told me I was going to give the baby up for adoption, and we would go through the church and find a Catholic agency to help us. So my mom and I went and met with a woman from

the agency and we talked at length as to what rights I had and what my thoughts were. I didn't really speak, she had to pull the words out of me, and my mom was just as quiet...but the woman went on and on about how much of a Good Thing I have chosen to do and that everything would be fine, it would be a very easy process...so we left..I signed papers BUT not the papers to give up the baby...Believe it or Not my mom said not to until the baby was born. Before I left the woman told me and my mom NOT to look at the baby when it was born and that would help. My mom said "Isn't that what they do during this process " and the woman said no, by then there was the law that I and only I could make that choice...well nothing else was every said about. To make a long story short I went into labor and I held my daughter right after I gave birth and I knew my life would never be the same..I had her while my parents were away, not their fault because I delivered 3 weeks early and they were due to come home the next day. Now if my parents were there I don't know how things would have turned out. Would I have asked to hold the baby? or Would I have held her anyway no matter what?

..Back then you stayed in the Hospital for 3-4 days after giving birth...not like today where they throw you out the next day..LOL. So the night before I went home the person that was in my room went home with her baby and I was all alone. I couldn't sleep at all knowing the next day I had to leave my baby there at the hospital and go on with my life...I could not stop crying..around 2:00am a nurse came in to see me and her name was Lauren White..(I saw her badge) and she asked me what was wrong..I broke down and told her the story. Lauren had a very gentle voice which was almost "Calming" when she spoke. She said I needed to tell my parent the truth about how I felt and that this would follow me for the rest of my life. She talked to me until almost 6:00am in the morning. As she left I realized the time I asked her if she would be in trouble for spending all that time with me and she said she was not beginning her shift until 6:00am and that she had come in early to do paper work...So I guess the rest is History, I ended up telling my parents when they came to pick me up the next day, my parents dropped me at home and took a long ride in the mountains together and came home, hugged me and said it was my choice and that they would support me. So I called the woman from the Catholic agency and told her I had decided to keep my baby and the woman HUNG UP on me...My mother was soooooo upset, she could not believe how she treated me. I heard my mom called her back but to this day I don't know what she said, my Dad just said "Karen you don't want to know what your mother said to that woman" LOL...

.So 2 days letter I went back to the Hospital to pick up my new bundle of Joy but before I left I wanted to thank the Nurse, Lauren who helped me get the courage to speak up to my parents and tell them how I felt, Lauren said they would understand and that one day the baby will be the Center of THEIR lives and the rest is history I guess because no one in this world loved Cassandra more than my parents did ..so...I asked the Charge Nurse if the Nurse Lauren was around because I wanted to talk to her. The Charge Nurse said no, we don't have a nurse on this floor by the name of Lauren..she asked a couple of the nurses around her and they said no they didn't either. I explained what she looked like and I told her how important it was for me to talk to her before I left. I gave the Nurse her last name, White and she called down to Human Resources and asked if the name was in their system and where did she work? They called back and said they checked every single system and NO ONE had that name. The charge nurse asked me to describe her again to the other nurses and I did..They all said " No",they never saw a nurse that fit that description..so at the time I didn't think much of it and just shrugged it off and went on but a few years down the road I started thinking about Lauren and that is when my love of Angels came about....I know there could be an explanation but for me she was my Angel, and she saved me from loosing something so very precious...she saved my soul in away! I will never forget her..Cassandra knows the story , I kept nothing from her...she knows that this is the reason she is here, and that she is a very special person....(Believe me - she knows..LOL) ...Angels are the center of my life, I feel so at peace when I have them around me. They are all over my house, and I welcome and treasure any new one I get or receive...Angels are always welcomed in my heart and home....

Christmas time is here......

The one thing I have to say about Christmas is that it always lifts me up...I could be having the worst year of my life (I think I am) and yet once Christmas time arrives I have no worries..the only worries I have are trying to get my family's gifts sent up to NJ in time or did I buy enough for Ayden and Cassandra for Christmas? or I hope they like their gifts, etc. Worries like this are just fine for me...

I know that Christmas time is a "magical" time of year and I should be out there enjoying all of it....but I have become very much the "Homebody" but I am happy this way. Years ago I would be out shopping every weekend, going to Novena's every night in December and making plans as to which house we would choose to go for Christmas Eve....Nope, not any more. To be honest I never really liked it...for me the perfect Christmas would be running around Christmas Eve to get just those last few gifts and picking up the Christmas Turkey from Publix and then go home and stay home. I love giving out the Christmas Eve Pajama's...(This is a tradition I picked up from my mom) and we all get into are P.J's and watch Christmas Movies, etc....then to wake up early the next morning with Ayden's cry of "He came-he came, Gigi Santa was here" for me seeing him get so excited and opening his presents is what it's all about(besides the fact that it is the birth of Christ) for me...and between you and I Ayden comes to my room before he goes to his mom's room....LOL.....I love that! and it may change in the years to come but for now I want to enjoy it...

So yes, this year has changed me in a way that I can now be honest with myself. No more pretending to do things for others so I can make them feel better or make them Happy..it's time to make myself happy. Of Course my close family and friends I will always go out of my way to make them happy but as far as the other people....No More...Life is to short and I am not getting any younger so it's time for me to live selfishly. ..LOL (maybe for a little while anyway)........Yes, this has been a year I most likely won't forget but to tell you the truth that will be a whole other post at the end of the year.....LOL..

It's a Wonderful Life .......Thank God!!

I am letting my house go....it is time. I can't live like this any longer....

I have lived in Florida now almost 15 years and for the first 10 years I lived in apartments and yes I dreamed of my own place but honestly I was always happy......Now I have my own place and I am unhappy...so I need to do this not only for my family/friends but for me. I want to go back to living...like getting my hair done when I want to, go shopping for clothes, getting my nails done once and awhile, having perfume on my dresser (I have not had a bottle since April) and I want to spoil my Grandson and I want to help my daughter with things that she needs.. I want to go to NJ and visit my family/friends....These are the things that truly make me happy and if I have to be stressed and worried all the time and not enjoy these things then was is the sense of having a house of your home...Life is to short and I need to start living again. I think I have lost myself this past year dwelling on things that are done and gone.... and things I can't change.

It's like the movie "It's a wonderful Life" I never really saw what I had in my life until I saw most of it slipping away....Like George Bailey says " Your the richest person in the world as long as you have family/friends" and I am very wealthy!!!